I enjoy reading through books that attempt to help me focus on being a better person, a better manager, better husband, and so on. I enjoy them because they offer another look at ways to complete a project or assignment differently.
One such book is entitled, “l00 Ways to Motivate Yourself, Change Your Life Forever,” by Steve Chandler. I figure that even if I think I know a dozen ways to keep myself on track, there have to be a few topics I have not heard about. I want to share one of my favorites from his book.
How many times have you heard someone say, “I wish so and so would be more …” The author says, “Don't change other people. It doesn't work. You'll waste your life trying.”
He continues, saying that many of us spend too much time trying to change the people in our lives. We think we can change them in ways that will make them better equipped to make us happy. This is especially true of our children. We talk to our children for hours about how we think they should change. But children don't learn from what we say. They learn from what we do.
Today's children, he says, upon hearing us talk to them about how they should change, will often say, “Yeah, right.” I think they got this phrase from Bart Simpson. It's shorthand for “I'm not listening to what you say, I'm listening to what you do.”
He uses an example used by Ghandi; “He knew that it was futile to try and change others. He was noted for being able to change those around him. How did he do it? He had a simple formula. When he was asked how he changed others he
would say, 'You must be the change you wish to see in others.' His thought was that when you change, then you are leading by example. Most of us want to be taught through inspiration. He would always say, 'When you TELL people what to do it often goes right by them. Who you ARE does not. The change in YOU is contagious. When you yourself change, watch how the people around you change.”
In another book, “Don't Sweat the Small Stuff … and It's All Small Stuff,” by Richard Carlson, I found something that is right on target for all of us who trying hard to keep focused on life. Here is my favorite passage in his book:
Chapter 55, titled, “Breathe Before You Speak,” does not sound too creative, but it is right on for me.
Carlson points out that this simple strategy has had remarkable results for virtually everyone who has tried it. The first things you see are increased patience, added perspective, and, as a side benefit, more gratitude and respect from others.
Here is how it works; simply pause and breathe before you speak when it is your turn to proceed in the conversation. Sounds simple, doesn't it? By pausing you give the other person's thoughts time to sink in. Instead of jumping on the other persons ending syllable, a brief pause will make the other person aware that you were listening. Most of us generally listen to the other speaker waiting for our turn to speak. We jump in with a better sounding, longer comment on the same topic which does nothing more than attempt to “one up” the other speaker. We are not really listening to the other speaker, we even finish the other person's sentences sometimes to expedite our opportunity to speak. By jumping in too fast we jump to conclusions, misinterpret meanings, form opinions or simply shut them down.
I like the analogy that states, “If God wanted us to talk twice as much as listening he would have given us two mouths and only one ear.”
I have done all the things written above. What I am gradually learning is that I do not need to worry about getting my turn to talk, because I will.
Patience is indeed a virtue. By practicing the breathe before you speak system, you will have a turn to speak, more people will be listening and your image in their eyes will also improve.
So don't try to change others, simply change yourself.
One such book is entitled, “l00 Ways to Motivate Yourself, Change Your Life Forever,” by Steve Chandler. I figure that even if I think I know a dozen ways to keep myself on track, there have to be a few topics I have not heard about. I want to share one of my favorites from his book.
How many times have you heard someone say, “I wish so and so would be more …” The author says, “Don't change other people. It doesn't work. You'll waste your life trying.”
He continues, saying that many of us spend too much time trying to change the people in our lives. We think we can change them in ways that will make them better equipped to make us happy. This is especially true of our children. We talk to our children for hours about how we think they should change. But children don't learn from what we say. They learn from what we do.
Today's children, he says, upon hearing us talk to them about how they should change, will often say, “Yeah, right.” I think they got this phrase from Bart Simpson. It's shorthand for “I'm not listening to what you say, I'm listening to what you do.”
He uses an example used by Ghandi; “He knew that it was futile to try and change others. He was noted for being able to change those around him. How did he do it? He had a simple formula. When he was asked how he changed others he
would say, 'You must be the change you wish to see in others.' His thought was that when you change, then you are leading by example. Most of us want to be taught through inspiration. He would always say, 'When you TELL people what to do it often goes right by them. Who you ARE does not. The change in YOU is contagious. When you yourself change, watch how the people around you change.”
In another book, “Don't Sweat the Small Stuff … and It's All Small Stuff,” by Richard Carlson, I found something that is right on target for all of us who trying hard to keep focused on life. Here is my favorite passage in his book:
Chapter 55, titled, “Breathe Before You Speak,” does not sound too creative, but it is right on for me.
Carlson points out that this simple strategy has had remarkable results for virtually everyone who has tried it. The first things you see are increased patience, added perspective, and, as a side benefit, more gratitude and respect from others.
Here is how it works; simply pause and breathe before you speak when it is your turn to proceed in the conversation. Sounds simple, doesn't it? By pausing you give the other person's thoughts time to sink in. Instead of jumping on the other persons ending syllable, a brief pause will make the other person aware that you were listening. Most of us generally listen to the other speaker waiting for our turn to speak. We jump in with a better sounding, longer comment on the same topic which does nothing more than attempt to “one up” the other speaker. We are not really listening to the other speaker, we even finish the other person's sentences sometimes to expedite our opportunity to speak. By jumping in too fast we jump to conclusions, misinterpret meanings, form opinions or simply shut them down.
I like the analogy that states, “If God wanted us to talk twice as much as listening he would have given us two mouths and only one ear.”
I have done all the things written above. What I am gradually learning is that I do not need to worry about getting my turn to talk, because I will.
Patience is indeed a virtue. By practicing the breathe before you speak system, you will have a turn to speak, more people will be listening and your image in their eyes will also improve.
So don't try to change others, simply change yourself.